
I desperately want to prove to the world that I’m worth more than a bag of Cheetos and a $1 flavored sparkling water from Safeway, so I’m back in school to become a nurse. Although I spent my 4 years in college after high school working on a bullshit degree in sociology, it turns out that the only thing I learned is that people are all various level of crazy, they have a lot of dirty sex, and then they die. So thank you, professors. Thank you for taking $30,000 dollars to tell me shit I could have learned from watching Lifetime, visiting your Mom, and spending my money styling my dogs hair in elaborate fashions.

Sure wish you hadn't adopted me, you cunt.
The things about nursing is, you have to have a strong stomach. Caring about the patients helps, but mostly you just have to not vomit when someone has explosive diarrhea all over your arm. Things like that are usually funny to other people, but when it happens to you it really makes you think, “hey, what exactly did I fucking sign up for?” Shit, that’s what. Shit and death. Which can be surprisingly hilarious.
I personally have a very hard time not laughing in the face of death and excrement. Like one time, there was a terrible car crash in front of our house in R.I. It happened one afternoon when I was about 10 years old. I was minding my own fucking business watching “Lambchop” and wishing my Dad would get into a car wreck when all of the sudden there was terrible screeching and clanging all up in the front yard. We looked out the windows and saw 6 people climbed out of their various automobiles and stumble bloodily onto our front yard. My Mom went running down to help and called back for us girls to call 911. Instead of getting the phone, I stood there in the middle of the driveway laughing my ass off. The way I remember it, I just found it hilarious that these people ran into each other in the middle of a huge road for no good reason, and just left their cars behind to kick it in the yard. Also, the way they were wandering around was ridiculous! Broken arms are so awkward looking!

Lambchop and Shari Lewis think this shit is hilarious.
I found out later this is a pretty common reaction to stress, but I never lost my sense of humor when it comes to traumatic events. I’m guessing this is one of the reasons I’m all giggles when dealing with a patient that has no control over their mind and/or bodily functions. Which brings me to another point, the way we treat old people with “dementia” and “Alzheimers” is ridiculous. First of all, we’re all suffering from a certain level of dementia, and second of all Alzheimers diagnoses are thrown around like your sister’s vaj at a frat party. Haphazardly and without good reason.

Just a photo in my offensive limbo game. How low can YOU go?
Middle aged people in the U.S. have a tendency to sell their parents away to old persons homes the first time they start accusing them of rape and selling their children to Mexico. To this I say: Shenanigans. There’s nothing better than hanging out with old people with dementia, especially if you are a writer. Not only do they have a wealth of knowledge and history, but the way they piece it all together during an episode while eyeballing you from the corner of the room with a knife in their hand is genius. You couldn’t come up with that shit for your new novel to save your life. I knew a lady last year who told me an entire story about how her children were being used by a secret Nazi organization that’s been kept hidden within congress for years and years and that’s why her children no longer let her drink whiskey. I knew Nazis hated cripples and Jews, but whiskey? That was just too much. I too would run naked into the front yard to try and spread the news. I really would.
Also, my career path is hospice care. Which means that if you are within 6 months of death you’ll be kicking it with ME for the last days of your life. I’ll give you a send off the likes of which you could never imagine. Dementia lady is helping me decide on a good party idea for just these occasions. One that hopefully doesn’t involve Nazis and child sacrifice, but you never know. She is very imaginative.

The Nazi Party. Get it? PARTY. Oh, just fuck off then.